Chalk it up to my British heritage, but I find Independence Day parades tiresome. If your grownups have dragged you to one without consulting you, here are a few tips to get back home safely.
Dress in bright colors to stand out from the crowd. Wearing red, white or blue would be like wearing camouflage in these parades. I have chosen my "tennis ball green" ensemble.
Do not fire your assault rifle into the air in celebration of your freedoms. Simple firecrackers are much safer.
Do not light off firecrackers in celebration of your freedom. Light some pretty sparklers instead.
Do not hold lit sparklers in celebration of your freedom. Wave around a shiny whirligig in patriotic colors.
Do not thrash about with a whirligig in a crowded parade. Hold it firmly in your teeth to keep your hands free for balance.
Fellow revelers are high-spirited, and lately so skittish that a single mistimed firework turns an orderly parade into a frantic stampede. I advise parading alone in broad daylight in one's own front yard.
